A SOPA-compliant exclusive preview of [REGISTERED TRADEMARK]

A vision of a future where the Stop Online Piracy Act passed without a hitch.

[REGISTERED TRADEMARK] 3: Ultramurder Nukedirge is the newest FPS in development at Digital Guff, creators of the 2010 smash hit [REGISTERED TRADEMARK]: Bulletshank Jamboree and its somewhat [CENSORED] well-received 2011 sequel, [REGISTERED TRADEMARK] 2: Bloodspawn of the Annunaki. The series has so far sold in excess of 10 vigintillion copies worldwide, earning untold squillions in revenue for Digital Guff’s publisher, ActivArts, and fans have been clamouring for more like hungry [CENSORED] squealing at an empty trough. Digital Guff’s head developer Anthony Pixelgibs recently invited me to their studio in sunny Deptford to see the new game in action.

[REGISTERED TRADEMARK] 3 chronicles the ongoing modern military escapades of [TRADEMARKED PROTAGONIST], international mercenary, rockstar and millionaire playboy sorcerer. Opposing him once again is the evil Vladimir Smakubytch and his clone army of genetically-engineered terrorists, augmented by isotonic electrolytes. Smakubytch has seized the launch codes for every nuclear missile in the world and our hero is the only person who can stop him, armed with just his wits, his strength, an impressive arsenal of heavy ordinance and his own personal [CENSORED].

“Things are much tougher (for the protagonist) this time round,” said Anthony as he demonstrated the [CENSORED], a new weapon that superheats an enemy’s testicles to 4000 degrees Kelvin. “He’s split up with [COPYRIGHTED LOVE INTEREST] and his best buddy has been catatonic since he lost his wife in Bloodspawn. [TRADEMARKED PROTAGONIST] starts out completely on his own and isolated, and things just get more visceral from there.

Anthony showed me one of the game’s early missions, which has our square-jawed protagonist infiltrating an abandoned sugar factory in Puerto Rico to to rescue the US President’s daughter. What begins as a stealth mission quickly becomes a bedlam of wailing alarms, and clone soldiers start rappelling in through the factory’s skylights accompanied by Drowning Pool’s [SONG COPYRIGHT EMI]. Eventually we discover the sugar factory is actully a secret [CENSORED] where Smakubytch has [CENSORED] a special [CENSORED] to finally eliminate [TRADEMARKED PROTAGONIST] once and for all. This revelation leads to an explosive chase through the streets of Arecibo climaxing in an epic battle atop the Arecibo Observatory, the famous radio telescope featured in the James Bond movie [COPYRIGHT UNITED ARTISTS].

“We considered the idea that some of Smakubytch’s Isotonic Stormtroopers could become mutated by the electrolytes in their bodies,” Anthony explained, as a glassy-eyed PR android scrutinized him for the slightest hint of deviancy. “Our lead character designer Tim Penchew escaped for a while and came back with some truly visceral concept art for a bunch of new enemies.”

The view from the Arecibo Observatory is pretty amazing.

Another tradition [REGISTERED TRADEMARK] 3 continues is the series’ globe-trotting aspects with [TRADEMARKED PROTAGONIST] visiting London, [CENSORED], New York, Cairo, [CENSORED], The Great Wall of China and other diverse locales around the world. Some of the action even goes off-world to [CENSORED], [CENSORED] and [CENSORED], and beyond the boundaries of time itself. “For the third game we wanted to take our players on the wildest trip imaginable,” Anthony enthused, eyes bloodshot from not having [CENSORED] for [CENSORED] consecutive days.

As impressive and glossy as it all looked I couldn’t help but feel a tad [CENSORED] by what I saw of Ultramurder Nukedirge. Many of the environments seemed [CENSORED] and [CENSORED] from Bloodspawn and Digital Guff’s patented KilFuk engine is starting to look a bit [CENSORED] around the edges. Fans will be delighted to know [TRADEMARKED PROTAGONIST]’s [CENSORED]-witty quips and wisecracks are out in force for this instalment, courtesy of the ever-ubiquitous Nolan North. Digital Guff’s writing is still definitely [CENSORED] one of their strong suits however and much of the dialogue feels [CENSORED] and [CENSORED]. It’s [CENSORED] what I’d call side-splitting and will certainly [CENSORED] appeal to everyone.

The closest any of us will get to a nuclear explosion and still live to tell about it.

Later, as Anthony and I enjoyed a cappuccino at a local branch of [GLOBAL COFFEE FRANCHISE] during his 15 minute unsupervised lunch break, I took the opportunity to ask him about the recent [CENSORED] legal dispute between ActivArts and Norwegian indie developer Tinyhümble. According to ActivArts, Tinyhümble’s smash hit iOS puzzle game Panda Jamboree is too similar to [REGISTERED TRADEMARK]: Bulletshank Jamboree and may lead to confusion amongst gamers. Last week ActivArts secured an injunction against Tinyhümble preventing “Panda Jamboree” from being sold on the [BRAND NAME MOBILE APPLICATION STORE].

“Everyone here at DG is a [CENSORED] of Panda Jamboree,” said Anthony, nervously fingering a Danish pastry. “We’re really [CENSORED] by what’s happening and I personally think it’s a load of [CENSORED], but it’s entirely out of our hands. At the moment we have to stay focused on making the best [REGISTERED TRADEMARK] game we can for our players to enjoy. Otherwise [CENSORED] will send someone down to [CENSORED], [CENSORED], [CENSORED] and [CENSORED] us. Can you get a message to my wife? I [CENSORED] her so much.”

Jesus Christ, that's bloody! Is it any wonder the Red Cross want to indict our hero for war crimes?

[REGISTERED TRADEMARK] 3: Ultramurder Nukedirge will be available to buy in all good game stores next month. Meanwhile you can watch the exclusive release trailer below or by clicking [COPYRIGHT INFRINGING LINK REMOVED].

Matt McDermott

About Matt McDermott

Matt is the irresponsible degenerate behind bitscreed.com.