Bayonetta 2’s fate subject to mass debate

Is she or isn't she? Cancelled that is. Inquiring minds demand to know!

Bayonetta was one of the best games of 2010, and that’s neither subjective opinion nor a matter of taste. It’s an undeniable cosmic truth of the sort generally found carved into massive stone pillars at each end of the universe. Some people who take it upon themselves to deny truth whenever they can will tell you Bayonetta isn’t absolutely brilliant, with most of their complaints tending towards the lines of “it makes my poor finger-wingers hurt!” and other admissions of weakness. Others will accuse it of being just “too silly” for their jaded, world-weary, joyless tastes. Ignore them. Bayonetta is a glorious campy carnival of fun, with its tongue lodged so far in cheek you could store enough lollipops in the recess for every child in the world.

So when SPOnG yesterday reported a rumour that Bayonetta 2 has been unceremoniously cancelled I was a very sad little bunny indeed. My mood was already fragile from last month when Sega announced it was cancelling a bunch of titles, barring “strong IPs, such as Sonic the Hedgehog, Football Manager, Total War and Aliens, which are expected to continue posting solid earnings,” as part of a “streamlining” process. I trust we’re all familiar enough with that last bit of filthy corporate argot to know what it really means, so needless to say it didn’t bode well for everybody’s favourite witch with a cut-glass English accent.

Unfortunately Sega weren’t kind enough to actually name any of the properties they were cancelling, leaving us to fumble in the dark like sweaty men in overcoats at a Piccadily Circus porno cinema circa 1979. Sega’s response to queries about Bayonetta 2 have been a firm and unyielding “No comment”, the swines, but in light of this rumour we can probably draw our own painful conclusions. So thanks die-hard Sonic fans for encouraging Sega to keep trotting out the tired old blue spiky bastard ad-nauseum, all because you don’t know when to fucking give up and just let him die. I hope the next Sonic game is so abominable it makes you puke blood.

But wait! Platinum Games dev and Bayonetta director Hideki Kamiya, who also brought the world Devil May Cry, caved in to a barrage of fan questions on twitter with the cryptic comment “Next week’s game magazines…”, albeit in Japanese. That means Bayonetta 2 could still be, like, a real thing right? Right?! Sadly no. Hideki Kamiya’s “check next week’s magazines for details” comment is a running joke he likes to play regularly on the unwitting public, because he’s a cheeky sod who likes to toy with our emotions and THAT IS NOT VERY FUNNY AT ALL KAMIYA-SAN. In fact he last did it about 8 months ago in reference to…Bayonetta 2. Shame on you sir!

Meanwhile MCV point out that since Sega own the Bayonetta IP, and their “streamlining” have forced them away core console gaming, they could grant Platinum Games permission of sorts to move forward with the IP themselves. Staff at their sister site Develop were also under the impression that Bayonetta 2 was as sure a thing as you could surely be sure of. At least we can still look forward to Anarchy Reigns, in which Bayonetta is a playable character, come July. No pun intended.

So what’s the score Sega. Are you going to let us have a Bayonetta sequel with more vibrant, campy, poppy, spectacle-fighting fun, or are you going to keep shovelling more rotten blue hedgehog carcass in our faces until we choke on the bloody stuff? Here’s a clue for you, Sega: Football Manager, Total War and Aliens are indeed a selection of strong IPs. Sonic the overexposed Hedgehog, who can just about manage one decent game in ten these days, does not belong among them and hasn’t for a long damn time. So glue his fat tired arse to the subs bench for a while and put Bayonetta up instead.

Should the rumours of Bayonetta 2’s demise be proven true then you’ll find me sitting alone in the dark, listening to this song and drinking heavily, amidst the tattered ruins of a Sonic the Hedgehog plush toy.

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Matt

About Matt

Matt is the irresponsible degenerate behind bitscreed.com and the sarcastic writer, editor, director, presenter and tea boy of Pixel Burn.