Flagellate yourself with I Wanna Be The Guy: Gaiden

I feel the rage overtaking me. IT IS A GOOD PAIN!

Games are far easier nowadays than they were in the halcyon days of yore. The original Super Mario Brothers taught players everything they needed to know how to play in the first ten seconds of world 1-1, then left them to get on with rescuing the princess.  No cutscenes, tooltips or any other hand-holding rubbish. You learned by doing and dying. Compare and contrast that to the way gamers nowadays are pampered and mollycoddled by long, arse-numbing tutorials that patronise them to a level of infantilism bordering on pre-foetal. Face it, we’ve all gone soft.

Thankfully there are still developers out there willing and able to give you the gaming equivalent of a three-year degree course at the School of Hard Knocks. People who craft genuine challenges bordering on the inhumane that push your mental faculties and dexterity to their limits, the apex of these being so-called masocore titles such as Super Meat Boy, Spelunky and VVVVVV. Brutal, punishing, insanely difficult games that you nevertheless can’t help but return to again and again because they’re also fair.  Whenever you die in those games it’s because you were a nanosecond too slow, didn’t look before you leaped, or failed to consider all the options available to you. The sense of accomplishment when you succeed however is almost narcotic.

Then there are people like Michael “Kayin” O’Reilly, a monstrous sadist possessed of a coal-black heart streaked with glowing red veins of burning hatred for his fellow gamers. Kayin is the monstrous mastermind responsible for I Wanna Be the Guy (IWBtG), a game that is the very antithesis of fairness. IWBtG is a masterpiece of cruelty, a masochist’s wet-dream comprised entirely of every cheap death, pixel-precise platforming segment, bottomless pit, spike trap out of nowhere and other instant-death hazard in every game you’ve ever played, cranked up to 11. It’s a game that beats you to the ground and grinds your face into a pile of broken glass and dirty needles, then douses you in petrol and sets you on fire before going on to have hard, lewd, filthy sex with your mother.

And gods help us all he’s made a sequel, sort of. I Wanna Be the Guy: Gaiden is a three-stage episodic snippet of a side story to its monstrously cruel, hard and punishing predecessor, which adds a Bionic Commando style grappling arm to the platforming proceedings. Don’t think that’ll make things any easier though: it just means there are more creative, soul-crushing ways for the game to flay your face off for the sole purpose of kicking a mountain of salt into it. If you know what’s good for you however you’ll take its punishments gladly and ask for more, smiling up through blood soaked broken teeth, because you’re a soft, putrid worm that’s been coddled and swaddled by modern games for too long. Admit it, it’s the very least you deserve.

Unfortunately IWBtG:G has a crop of annoying bugs and glitches right now, including one that’s making it literally unplayable for me right now (as opposed to figuratively unplayable because it’s hard and I’m weak). Don’t think that’s an excuse for you not to go and download it right now however. Even if you don’t play it yourself because you’re a spineless maggot, it’s the perfect antidote for any mouthy young relatives who think they’re shit-hot at games. After they brag about prestiging in MW3 for the fifth time give them IWBtG:G to play, sit back and wait for their sweet, sweet, satisfying tears.

Matt

About Matt

Matt is the irresponsible degenerate behind bitscreed.com and the sarcastic writer, editor, director, presenter and tea boy of Pixel Burn.