Guinness troll us all, declares Black Ops has greatest videogame ending

Someone needs to tell Guinness popularity is not an indicator of quality.

Guinness World Records have announced the results of a poll they conducted for their Gamers Edition to determine the 50 best videogame endings “of all time.” Considering games haven’t been around for very long compared to other mediums it’s a presumptuous endeavour but noble nonetheless. It’s always nice to see gaming get some recognition outside of gaming circles and Guinness World Records is a respected institution. When I saw their pick for the number 1 best ending of all time ever in video games’ nearly 40-year history (starting with Pong in ’72) however, I immediately wanted to chain up all 13,519 of the cretins gamers they polled and force feed them fried slivers of Hideo Kojima’s arse.

Black Ops. Really? This forgettable jingoistic Hollywood tripe ripped from the pages of Unimaginative Writers Monthly, somehow beat the likes of Portal, Red Dead Redemption and Metal Gear Solid 4. I’ve not even played Metal Gear Solid 4 – I took half an hour from writing this to watch a low-rez three part video of it on YouTube. Despite knowing nothing about the series save what I dimly remember from MGS 1 & 2 I still found it more memorable, more engaging, better-written and just plain better than the glossy cinematic slurry at the end of Black Ops. Ooooh, you linked numbers stations to the JFK assassination! Aren’t you clever! It’s only standard procedure amongst conspiracy nuts, in their great game of join-the-shadowy-dots-until-you-get-what-looks-like-a-pattern-if-you-squint-a-bit. Linking JFK to “Six degrees of Kevin Bacon” would have been more surprising.

Here’s what Guinness had to say for themselves.

Conducted for the new Guinness World Records 2012 Gamer’s Edition book, the list will cause heated debate among passionate gamers and provide further evidence of the growing sophistication and popularity of videogames.

Heated debate? You don’t say! Can someone tell me which primary school Guinness polled to get these results? I need to alert their local authorities that there’s some brain-damaging chemical in their water supply. If Black Ops’ bland ending is a signifier of games’ growing sophistication then Michael Bay’s oeuvre is the height of cinematic excellence. You heard me. Take your DVDs of Casablanca, The Bicycle Thieves, Seven Samurai and The Godfather and chuck them in a fucking bin. If this straw poll is indicative of Guinness’ new standards then Top Gun is objectively better than Apocalypse Now. Citizen Kane? Citizen Lame more like! The Seventh Seal? It’s in black and white and doesn’t have any explosions so it’s shit.

You can read the entire top 50 list here. Plenty are well deserving of a place on it but were kept down by all the shit that rose to the top. Keep some tissues handy to mop up the blood when you’re done beating your head against the nearest wall.

Well played, Guinness. Well played.

Matt

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Matt is the irresponsible degenerate behind bitscreed.com and the sarcastic writer, editor, director, presenter and tea boy of Pixel Burn.