Like gaming videos? Ignore the cleavage

Keep calm and carry on doing what you've always done: watching videos about games (and cats).

Do you regularly visit YouTube? Of course you bloody well do. This isn’t the internet caveman era when our primitive brains considered animated .gifs a transcendental experience. Chances are if you’re reading this you have more specific viewing preferences than cats doing hi-larious things though, which you still watch anyway because cats are great. I’d hazard a wild and crazy guess you also go to YouTube for game trailers, gameplay footage, let’s plays, informed gaming commentary and other gaming-related videos. If so you may have noticed something of a trend recently in the related videos column.

Right now in the space where there were once videos with genuine related content you’ll probably see a seemingly endless smorgasbord of cleavage, clogging that entire section like so much congealed spunk. The problem has become so endemic lately you’re lucky to spot a single thumbnail that doesn’t feature a pair of grainy, poorly-lit tits. I refer of course to the notorious “reply girls” currently running rampant over YouTube, who have achieved remarkable heights of ubiquity by exploiting human nature and plain old gaming the system. In a nutshell reply girls piggyback on the success of popular videos that have racked up (no pun intended) views the old fashioned way: quality, entertainment value, etc. Reply girl videos are usually around 1-2 minutes long, shamelessly rip the original video’s title and tags, and rarely have any direct correlation to what they’re replying to. A reply girl’s response to footage of a cat dancing an Irish jig might not even mention cats or Ireland at all!

“What does any of this have to do with gaming?” you ask whilst scouring your internet browser history of any mention of mammaries. “They’re affecting every popular video on YouTube right now, not just gaming stuff. What have you got against breasts anyway? Are you some kind of homo?” For the record I like tits as much as, if not more than the next red-blooded male or committed lesbian. Breasts are fantastic. Whenever I’m browsing YouTube however it’s normally because I want to see the latest Yogscast episode, or watch Stuart Ashen poke at cheap plastic tat until it falls apart all over his brown sofa. If I feel the sudden, overpowering urge to look at a pair of breasts I can open another tab and do a quick Google image search. If my girlfriend happens to be in the room it’s even easier, since all I have to do is turn my head slightly and keep it that way until she tells me to stop being creepy. She never does.

LGBT-friendly cat finds your casual homophobia depressing.

You may be thinking “I don’t care about The Yogscast, TotalBiscuit or any of those interweb big shots! I don’t watch their stuff and they make enough money anyway!” Perhaps they do, perhaps they don’t, but they’re not the only ones adversely affected by this latest YouTube fad. Leaving aside the fact reply girls’ videos are nearly always pointless, tedious things with fuck-all to do with what they’re replying to, they’re detrimental to any videos you currently enjoy or might enjoy in the future. A lot of newer and/or less well-known gaming channels rely on the related content column to get their stuff known. Starting with a video from a popular YouTube gaming personality a viewer can, through a process not dissimilar to Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, stumble across a channel like inthelittlewood, Kikoskia or NarcFox they may also enjoy.

By this process, and perhaps assisted by a little word of mouth, these smaller channels can gain more viewers and subscribers. If a channel acquires enough viewers they can become eligible to join YouTube’s partner programme, enabling the content creator to make legit money from their vids. Brief ads – many of which can be skipped after 5 seconds anyway – get slapped on at the beginning of future videos and they receive a portion of the ad revenue. The content creator gets to live the dream, you get to carry on watching great (and free) gaming-related content, and YouTube have another partner to sell ad space through. Everyone’s a winner!

You may never see these great new channels if the related video column is choked with more pallid flesh than Herbert West’s lab. Video makers with fantastic content for you to discover will instead be buried forever, like old Atari E.T. cartridges, beneath a quivering ocean of jiggling cleavage videos. All sporting dislike bars you could superimpose onto a lightsaber fight scene in a Star Wars fan film (recommended video: “RE: Spray me with your midichlorians!”). The same applies for any other content creator you enjoy on YouTube. I’m merely speaking as someone who enjoys a good number of gaming-related videos (when I’m not watching cats being hilarious) and wants to see more good quality stuff flourish. Luckily the solution is incredibly simple.

"This video sucks minge. Die in a fire!"

Unlike hepatitis or gonorrhoea this is one affliction that will actually go away if you ignore it, so if you want this stuff to disappear from your related content feed then don’t watch it. These videos will asphyxiate and die or fade into the background static of YouTube if they’re starved of the oxygen of views. Don’t even load one of their videos just to immediately click “dislike,” because as far as YouTube are concerned the old adage “any publicity is good publicity” applies. A dislike is still a view and making the effort to officially register it tells them you were emotionally engaged enough to care. Advertisers love that shit. If ignoring reply girl videos is too passive for your tastes you can follow a few of these great suggestions from Lewis of the popular YouTube gaming channel The Yogscast.

What you absolutely shouldn’t do under any circumstances is to be a colossal twat and harass these girls, because at the end of the day they’re still human beings with feelings. Finding a formula to game YouTube’s arcane system for attention and profit is not a justification to bombard them with threatening phonecalls, fill their email inboxes with death threats or any other stereotypical angry nerd bullshit activities. Hopping on a witch-hunting bandwagon with a sackful of righteous indignation and a chip on your shoulder is something we can do without, thank you very much, and impresses nobody except your equally pathetic guild mates. In the eyes of real grown-ups it’s frankly just sad. Save your concentrated bile and venom for truly horrible things like Nazis, cat-abusers, and Nazi cat-abusers.

So if you’re a heterosexual man, a sapphic oriented lady or some other non-gender specific individual who really likes breasts, and you also enjoy watching great gaming videos, ignore your lust. Pay a visit your nearest railway siding or adult website of choice instead. For interesting, entertaining YouTube gaming videos that happens to be made by human beings with two X-chromosomes you can’t go too wrong with users like PressHeartToContinue. I’d recommend more, except women who talk about/review/play games without flashing their cleavage or trying desperately to fulfil internet misanthropes’ wet dreams are thin on the ground. Drop me a line if you know of some. I’m always on the lookout for quality gaming video content, whatever the creator’s gender.

After insulting women on the internet, Muffy enjoys some Kirby.

In closing, you can take everything I’ve said and also apply it to any “reply bloke” videos which may exist. I haven’t seen any myself so I can’t really speak with much authority or give any examples. Are there any men who use their bodies for hits in a similar manner to the reply girl cleavage brigade? I’d be surprised if there weren’t to be honest. That right there is an untapped market ripe for exploitation…

Actually, forget everything I just told you. Can anyone recommend a good, cheap webcam?

Matt

About Matt

Matt is the irresponsible degenerate behind bitscreed.com and the sarcastic writer, editor, director, presenter and tea boy of Pixel Burn.