Mass Effect 3’s Extended Cut to feature more Lance Henriksen

Help us Lance Henriksen, you're our only hope.

Thanks to rigorous scientific study and a firm, unyielding application of the scientific method I have pinpointed the exact moment Mass Effect 3’s finale swandives from a poignant and satisfying ledge into a yawning chasm of dumb and stupid. Down to the picosecond. It’s not as some would claim a particular glorious charge against the Reaper forces on Earth, nor is it minutes after a certain elevator appears to whisk Shepard away to…well, I shan’t say. According to science the precise moment Mass Effect 3’s ending becomes an atrocity happens mere seconds after Lance “Not bad for a human” Henriksen utters his final line in the game. It all turns to a load of half-baked wank from precisely that moment onwards. Coincidence? I think not.

BioWare appears to have sussed this out too, for their solution to the game’s woeful denouement was to bring Lance “I make even the worst movies better simply by being there” Henriksen back into the studio to record extra dialogue for the Extended Cut DLC, due out this summer. In an interview with G4TV to promote Disney’s Tron: Uprising (which looks pretty damn spiffy) the gravelly-voiced movie veteran explained BioWare’s reasons for bringing him back into the recording booth, which turns out to be a bit more than just the fact you can never have enough Lance Henriksen.

“I just did another session with them [BioWare]. They were saying there’s a little bit of a problem with the abruptness of the ending..And it was just an oversight.” After this whopping great understatement (which is his God-given right as Lance Motherfucking Henriksen) Lance revealed he’d recorded “a whole series of things to add to the end of the game” in order to make it “live up to the quality that [BioWare] had been doing.”

Other confirmed returnees for the Extended Cut are Tricia Helfer reprising her role as EDI and Raphael “Carth Onasi” Sbarge as Kaidan Alenko, who each announced the news on their respective twitters. Raphael Sbarge returning would also imply Kimberley Brooks has also returned to the studio to voice Ashley Williams, for the two people in the world that actually kept her around, although nothing has been officially confirmed. Ali Hillis (Liara T’Soni), Brandon Keener (Garrus) and Mark Meer (Male Shepard) have all previously confirmed their involvement in the new Extended Cut through twitter, Facebook and other social networking internet malarkey.

That’s quite a lot of people to get back in the studio for something that’s only supposed to provide “additional context and deeper insight”.  BioWare have been pretty adamant that they won’t drastically change the ending in the name of “artistic vision” but who knows? Perhaps the writing team have come up with some awesome ideas for a more satisfying ending since the furore after the game’s release, although that’s not particularly difficult. A picture of Lance Henriksen as Frank Black in Millennium would have been infinitely more satisfying than the broken Simon Says machine we ended up with.

Actually…what game couldn’t be improved with an injection of concentrated Lance Henriksen? Hey Blizzard! Instead of presenting Diablo 3 players with an incomprehensible Satanic cypher whenever your servers topple into the bowels of Hell, why not display the glorious craggy visage of Lance “The A2s always were a bit twitchy” Henriksen instead? It’ll reassure some, intimidate others, and the net result might be significantly fewer complaints about your lacklustre server infrastructure.

Source: Rock, Paper Shotgun

Matt

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Matt is the irresponsible degenerate behind bitscreed.com and the sarcastic writer, editor, director, presenter and tea boy of Pixel Burn.